PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Initial intimidation of the 6’ 7 muscly, bearded, heavily tattooed man with his arms crossed was subsequently squashed as word spread of his veganism, pacifism, and straight edge lifestyle, report guests of New England’s most recent hardcore fest, “Cause-core”.
“His looming presence was really freaking everyone out. Like a big dead tree that you’re sure the headless horseman is gonna burst out of,” said fellow festival attendee Blayne Lavoy. “When I saw the Xs on his hands, and that the only thing he could eat out of the vending machine was Oreos, I was still a little scared cus straight edge vegans are actually known to get violent as fuck. When he calmly led a fly to an open window and politely asked it to leave, I knew I was safe.”
Surprised that anyone felt confident enough to approach him, “scary dude” Matt Rennick reported being very aware of his effect on people.
“Since puberty I’ve definitely noticed people’s frightful looks when I enter a room. Getting into heavier music and tattoos didn’t help the cause, so I spent years giving everyone kind-eyed ‘smizes’ to prove I’m a decent guy, but that just made my face hurt,” said Rennick. “I’ve been straight edge and vegan for twenty years, but after countless small dudes came at me for nothing more than the ‘fought a huge dude’ story, I recently found passive methods of conflict resolution. The only thing I’m brutalizing lately is that medicine ball at Crossfit.”
Scene elder Richie Vasquez explained the positive effect Rennick’s stature has on these local shows.
“We started letting him in for free since he saves most shows from needing an extra bouncer. He’s actually bigger and scarier looking than most bouncers, and although he wouldn’t actually lay hands on anyone, just by standing there, existing, he keeps these little shits from “crowd-killing,” said Vasquez. “I’ve seen this many times in my day. Sure, his ancestors may have pillaged some villages, but luckily for all of us, this sober guy just likes his riffs crunchy, his celery crunchier, and his demeanor as calm as a lake at dawn.”
At press time, the bar and non-vegan food vendors miss out on thousands of dollars in sales as Rennick gives disapproving looks to attendees in their lines.
